The maid of honor just puked.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
