i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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