my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
