I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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