The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
