I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
