I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
