She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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