Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
