Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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