dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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