Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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