meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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