I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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