I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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