have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
