This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
