I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
