I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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