I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
