If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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