im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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