I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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