I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
