Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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