Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
