If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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