We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
