remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
