You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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