hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
