I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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