I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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