if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
