You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
