I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
