I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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