Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
