So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
