I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
