Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
