We're facebook friends in real life
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
