Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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