My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
