my vag is so smooth its legendary
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sorry about my life...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
