I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
