either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
