Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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