Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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