proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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